Jan 192011
 

By now you all know that there was a major earthquake in Pakistan, and the tremors were felt in neighboring country and even as far as Dubai. But believe me or not. This earthquake was a setup. It might be an act of some terrorist outfit, or a political plot to create turbulence in the political scenario in India, Allah(and Pakistan and maybe even the US)knows. But as per the news item that appeared as the first information about the quake on Google news, “the earthquake was held”.

Checkout the screenshot below and click this link to verify.

funny news item

Lets analyze some beautiful statements.

Rectare Scale : This youngster has invented a new scale to measure quakes it seems. Something more for the children to struggle at their science classes.

The “main” Epicenter : What about the other epicenters? Did he leave it out on purpose or were they not destructive enough.

The main Epicenter …………Came from Pakistan : And settled in India? Pakistan is known to have sent lots of people to India, some good artists, poets, musicians and some bad ones too, like our beloved terrorist Ajmal “Biryani Eater” Kasab, and many more. So its not a surprise that the epicenter “came” from Pakistan.

The Earthquake was held at New Delhi : All it reminds me of was the cricket match WHICH was HELD at a particular stadium. My dear friend, games are held, functions are held. But no, earthquakes cannot be held!! They…….well……just happen. I am sure, when you typed held, you meant felt. But I see no F nor T.

This was the classic one which made me feel that the earthquake was a setup.

….hope…no financial losses occurred : Yes of course, who cares about humans!!

The earthquake came……………..and slowly slowly disturbed India : I leave it to your imagination.

It might be because he was woken up from sleep, or because he wanted to be the first person to get the news online. Whatever be it, he lost it all in his grammar.

I had faith, a lot of it, on Google news. But this news item appeared in the “Top Stories” section of the Google news, and my faith is dwindling ever since. Do they have some sensible algorithm in place to filter the news according to grammar?

Speaking of grammatical errors and poor sentence framing in news article, my friend Jimmy will chance upon this opportunity to point out lots of flaws in the news provided by the group, of which I an avid reader.

Also, as I type this, I have an enlightening feeling!! I can be a “good” news editor too. All it takes is to pick out the points which will sensationalize the article, and leave the rest for people to wonder about.

 

Oh man!! I almost missed this classic piece of response to the same article. Enjoy it while you can.

funny news item response

Jan 102011
 

Check out this conversation on facebook.

 

Funny Facebook Conversation

 

For those of you who do not understand it, some part is written in Hindi(Indian national language) using roman script. It means :

Vodafone sends me a message, “someone somewhere is made for you. to find out send sms……..So what should I do about the one at home(wife)?”

A friend replies, “Vodafone will send another message after sometime to your wife,’to know about your husband’s girlfriends sms to…….’. that’s business from both sides. what an idea!!”

Pictures and names deleted to protect privacy(incase they decide to send that sms).

Nov 202010
 

When I was in school, we were taught that India is a sovereign, socialist, secular, democratic republic country. But recent few years has made me think up one more word to add there.

India seems to have now become a sovereign(some powers delegated to google for mapping as per their choice, the USA, china and Pakistan), socialist(with the ministers children getting the best educations which they don’t use, jobs which they don’t need, housed which are not meant for them while the food rots in the government store housed), secular(except for a “small” incident at the babri masjid in 1992), Scam prone(check the list of recent scams in India), democratic republic(with all he powers handed over to the political parties, once and for all).

Oxford is said to be contemplating “India” as a synonym for “Scam” and vice versa in their revised edition of the Oxford Dictionary.

Nov 202010
 

In wake of the recently unearthed 2G scam, the Indian prime minister has been bombarded with hundreds of questions in the past few days. Though a man of pure mind and acts, he had to stay tight lipped towards the opposition and the media queries.

It seems that he has broken his silence finally. Santa Banta news service reveals the PM as saying, “The only 2G’s I know are Sonia G and Rahul G!!”

Source : Santa Banta funny SMS

Oct 262010
 

There’s a good news and a bad news. Then there is a clarification which will turn the previous statement upside down.

For those of you who don’t know, BADA is an open operating system being developed by Samsung for its future smart phones. The Wave series of phones uses this OS, rather than using Android or Symbian.

The good news is, Samsung is offering free games for new users of BADA OS. The games are FIFA 10, Assassin’s Creed II, Spore Creatures and Tetris Refresh along with few others. They are available for only few downloads, i.e. for first 2,50,000 downloads for FIFA 10, Spore Creatures and Tetris Refresh and for the first 3,00,000 downloads for Assassin’s Creed II. Cheer up users of new Wave series!! And be quick. You might miss this like I missed NFS Shift for my wave!! Get them through Samsung Kies.

Now for the bad news. Samsung Wave GT S8500 users won’t get this offer, since they already got NFS Shift. But it’s not that worse. Read ahead.

The clarification here is, all these games are java based, running through java console. Not native games like asphalt or NFS. So it’s not so bad. In fact it’s a good news for original wavers and a bad news for latest wave series users!!(Or is it a case of sour grapes?)

Oct 022010
 

The media is ablaze with the news of the scams that have been unearthed during the organisation of the common wealth games. It was a front page subject for a leading news paper, whose ethics are being questioned, for more than 2 weeks. We never had such a coverage of any other large scam, except may be the Tehelka or the Satyam.

But another major scam is brewing up in the financial sector. We all know that credit cards are alloted in different classes, depending on the purchasing power of an individual and his credit rating. We have right from the classic, to top level premium cards giving credit limits up to several lakh rupees.

But did you know there is such kind of catagorisation in PAN cards? For those who don’t know what PAN is, it means Permanent Account Number. It’s the unique number which links all the financial accounts together, to bring the account holder under tax net, convienently. It’s a different matter that the number is quite useless at this moment, since the government has failed to implement it effectively, even after years of launching it. But its shocking to know that the PAN card comes in different classes, as far as I know. I do not know what the classification is about, or whether the people holding the other class PAN numbers reap any benefits in the matters of taxation. But I do know that some big scam is going on.

Or is it?

May be this entrepreneur went overboard with his advertisement, expecting to pull more clients with such advertising.

Check out the photo and you will understand…….

PAN Card 1 PAN Card 2

They claims that they make all kind of PAN cards, and I surely want to apply for the one with maximum benefits.

Sep 282010
 

Our neighbour’s beloved, and the hero of their country, Ajmal Kasab, was caught on video while assaulting jail staff.

My oh my!! Ajmal is in biiiiiiiiggggg trouble.!!!!!

Oh! By the way, what was the ongoing case against him?

Sep 252010
 

The regular readers of this blog know that I was a shippie until very recently. Shippie is a term used for a person who work on ship. I worked in the capacity of a marine engineer on five different ships. Following is not my resume. It explains to you the food habits on a normal ship.

My very first ship was with the shipping corporation of India. Before being inducted in the corporation, I had to undergo training for a period of one year under the guidance of very senior marine engineers, with lots of good tales to tell and experiences to share. I never had my mind on studies during the training period, but whenever any instructor recollected any incidence regarding food onboard(on the ship), my eyes would wake and my ears open up. From what they told, I had a general impression that the food onboard was good most of the times. Very rarely would it be bad. Bu it was always abundant and free flowing, considering the long voyages(journey between two ports). And the cooks seemed to be the best of all.

During the tenure of my five ships I had a very mixed view about this.

My very first ship, M.T. Subhedar Joginder Singh PVC, was a crude oil tanker, and being old, most of the voyages were to the Indian coastal ports(Except for that one time when we went to Labuan, Malasiya). So, food getting spoiled, was almost a rare event. But, I do not recollect a single day when all the three meals, were fit for a king. I would always be either a good breakfast, a good lunch, or a good dinner. But never a combination of two goods and one bad, or three goods all together on a single day. Be it diwali, Id, Christmas, or any other festival celebrated in India. The catering department pointed out that this kind of diet was abiding to the INSA-MUI rules, and was a balanced diet. Funny to hear this on ship where you work hard with heavy machinery under extreme conditions.

Here I must interrupt to explain in brief, a funny kind of agreement made between the INSA(Indian National Ship owner’s Association) and the MUI(Maritime union of India), with regards to food(most of the clauses from the entire agreement are very ridiculous, but I stick to food.)

The agreement states the type of meals a seafaring officer will be provided. It goes in length and details to explain the number of official meals, served by stewards, an officer is entitled to. And it does not stop here. The union has even quantified the amount of milk a person can have, in milliliters. And the catering officers stick to it. They have described in details what type of combination of food should be prepared for each meal.

So back to my ship, where we were served slices of cheese after lunch, as a mouth freshener. With only one good meal, we had to decide early in the morning which meal to load ourselves with, and adjust our other meals accordingly. The very first month when I was put up for a night shift along with the fourth engineer, I learned that its a common practice on ships during the night watch, to cook something in the galley(kitchen of the ship). Most of the times, we would boil eggs inside the engine control room itself, using an electric tea kettle. Which was forbidden, so don’t tell my chief engineer. But once I went to the galley, and being interested in cooking and all, and made some scrambled eggs. The next day, I found some chicken legs in the refrigerator. I fried two of them and shared with the other junior engineer. The third day, the refrigerators were locked with a custom made latch onboard. So no more “stealing” supplies from the fridge. For the next six months, we were scrambling eggs which we were supplied for our night shift.

On to the second ship, which I joined at Mumbai port, where picked up supplies for our journey to Iran. From there we were scheduled to go to mohammedia, morocco and the catering officer got some “news” that the ship was supposed to come back to Mumbai from Morocco. So he ordered for the minimum supplies, as he calculated that he could pick up some on the return voyage at the Suez canal transit. Just before arrival to Morocco, it was declared that we would be going to the Angola offshore oil field, and then to Houston. All the calculations went wrong. The catering officer could not pick up supplies from Morocco, due to the exorbitant prices(a slice bread packet for 200 rs and a dozen eggs for 400 rs.). And there were no provisions at Angola offshore field. So we had to cut down on our food varieties during the transit to Houston. A one point at the end of the voyage, we had no bread, almost no milk, no fresh vegetables(salads were stopped from the day the catering officer found that his calculations had gone wrong.) Those were the days when I came to know about chicken giblets. One fine morning, the menu announce that we would be served chicken giblet curry for lunch. I was thrilled since I was about to taste something new, even when we have a food crisis onboard. Only later did I realise that giblets were the spare parts of chicken, which included the toes.I am fortunate enough not to have read chicken giblet curry on any menu card, anywhere, after that day.

On the day of my signoff(when we are relieved from our duties, its called as signing off from the ship) I went for lunch, only to find prawns curry. I started eating it, and mid meal, I asked the chief steward about when he had picked up new supplies with the prawns. He informed that the provisions were from Mumbai, about 8 months, and hundreds of of run/stopped refrigeration operations, old. May be that was the reason I had to stay empty stomach from afternoon till 10 pm when I entered the Cairo airport. Another common thing on both these ships were the mackerel. Very old and dry. Felt like they had been purposely dried to preserve for many months. They stink when fried.

My third ship wasn’t any better, being the same old SCI mentality. In fact, I was a food on that ship, with all the bed bugs sucking out my blood.

Things changed a lot after I moved to a foreign flag ship. This ships, though managed by Indian staff from land, had a very different culture. Though the provision stores were under lock and key, we never went disappointed whenever we requested something to the chief cook, who was the in charge of the entire galley operation under the supervision of the Master(the captain of a ship is called the master. He is the owner of the ship while onboard and is responsible for its proper functioning.) Provisions were picked up just enough for the voyage, and a bit more accounting for any delays. There were fresh provisions every 7-15 days. There was no rule regarding how much milk or juice a person consumed. Also there was an advantage of working with Filipino crew. I could try out various dishes popular to Pinoy(Filipinos). Various kind of soups including pork, meat, shrimps, crab were common. Onboard was the first time I tried crisp fried squid(kalamari in pinoy). Steak was good. And, this was the first time I came across a full fledge party onboard, with barbecue on the poop deck(aft deck, or the deck on the back end of the ship). A pigs head, with apple in its mouth, was roasted almost every time we had a party. Parties didn’t require occasions. A long voyage with calm weather and a jolly captain would suffice. Drinks were free flow. Beer, whisky, rum, vodka, wine…you name it.

Then we had times when we officers, who had some interest in cooking, would take over the galley for one meal. Its would be fun, and the end product would be exciting. Its surprising to know how efficient, men, who have no training in the kitchen, can be in the galley.

Though the times have changed, and its rare to find a ship with the “free flow of good food” culture depicted by our senior instructors at the training institute, I still feel that with the combination of right people on board, the sailing tenure can be a fun. Food wise or otherwise.

del.icio.us Tags: ,,
Aug 172010
 

An apple a day keeps the doctor away : Never heard it from a doctor.

A drowning man will clutch at a straw : And do what? Breathe through it? PEOPLE!! He’s drowning. A straw is not going to help him. Neither is this proverb.

A friend in need is a friend indeed : It’s always the other way round. I get to be the friend, who goes out to help someone in need. I am indeed a true friend. But when I am in need, neither these proverb, nor the mentioned friend is to be found!!

A golden key can open any door : I would like to get my hands on that one. Cause am planning to loot the bank soon!!

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step : Of course it does. Even an astronaut travelling to mars has to “step in to” the space craft.

A new broom sweeps clean : Our housemaid is on leave, and yes, our new broom is doing her job great!!

A penny saved is a penny earned : Corollary : Only an earned penny can be saved. So it’s a never ending loop.

A stitch in time saves nine : Keep on stitching, you misers. Do you even know that your shirt has turned rags!!

You can’t have your cake and eat it : As bloody hell!! I’ve earned it. And am going to eat it. Do what you may.

Tomorrow is another day : This person wanted to say something. But due to lack of something new to say, said, “tomorrow is another day”. I would add, “yesterday was just another day.” And some one else would say, “Today is a new day”. And that would fill up the english proverbs book.

There’s one born every minute : You have to scrap this one. India has already proved this one to be too inconsistent and behind times.

The pen is mightier than sword : Huh!! Ever tried dueling with a pen in hand?

Necessity is the mother of invention : And invention is the mother of all mess-up.(I was tempted to use the word F#*kup. But this is a child safe blog)

Love is blind : True. Cause I have heard people falling in love.

It’s the early bird that catches the worm : I have experienced this. An early bird catches the slimmest,thinnest worm. They keep the best for last.

A bird in hand is worth two in bush : This one really holds you back from setting new targets and achieving new goals. Never spell out this one in an MBA class.

If anything can go wrong, it will : This one came first or the Murphy’s law?

He who laughs last laughs longest : Let him!! It took him some time to understand the joke.

Great minds think alike : Well yes, Gandhi, Alfred Noble, Adolf Hitler.

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die : Somebody who just said, “tomorrow is another day”, didn’t hear this one I guess.

Women and children first : The film titanic was based on this sentence.

Aug 152010
 

What is India?

  • A nation with cities where Pizza reach faster than police or ambulance.
  • A nation where you get car loan at 8% but education loan at 12%.
  • A nation where the staple diet of people, rice, costs rs. 40 for the cheapest quality, but SIM card is free.
  • A nation where people worship goddess Durga but kill their girl child.
  • A nation where an olympic shooter gets gold and the government announces rs. 1 crore as a reward for a once in a life time achievement. Another shooter dies fighting terrorist, saving thousands of lives while doing so and the government declares the standard “rate” for his life, rs. 1 lakh.

This is my Incredible Independent India.

(Source : SMS)

%d bloggers like this: